Relationships, part II

So how do you find meaningful and loving relationships? With my friends-for-life I have found these things to be true:

1. They accept your flaws but don’t enjoy them - Healthy relationships start with healthy people. Cliche but true. A true friend will treat you with genuine kindness and tenderness.  As emotional beings we seek out things that make us feel good. And this is interrupted when we first notice flaws in our friends. However, true love endures these things but I’ll get into that more later. There are some females that seek friendships which feed their insecurities. Some females are glad to hear you put yourself down because deep down they are jealous of you. They feel like they are not good enough so they enjoy when their circle of friends are deprived as they feel.

2. They see past the surface: this could be the most important trait of true friends. As I was touching on above, true friends can endure your flaws. They make a choice to love you anyway. They make a choice to see the good over the bad. A true friend doesn’t see your outward appearance, they see your heart and they love it. In all your gifts and vulnerabilities they want to see you happy, successful and they value your contribution to the relationship.

3. They Forgive: True friends forgive you when you sincerely repent, period. It is their right to choose whether or not to continue the friendship as it was but they always, always forgive.

What’s also important in finding true friendship? Making yourself a better a friend to have :-)

to be continued…

relationships love friendship friends True Love flaws beautiful fake friends

"You think because he doesn’t love you that you are worthless. You think that because he doesn’t want you anymore that he is right - that his judgement and opinion of you are correct. If he throws you out, then you are garbage. You think he belongs to you because you want to belong to him. Don’t. It’s a bad word, ‘belong.’ Especially when you put it with somebody you love. Love shouldn’t be like that. Did you ever see the way the clouds love a mountain? They circle all around it; sometimes you can’t even see the mountain for the clouds. But you know what? You go up top and what do you see? His head. The clouds never cover the head. His head pokes through, because the clouds let him; they don’t wrap him up. They let him keep his head up high, free, with nothing to hide him or bind him. You can’t own a human being. You can’t lose what you don’t own. Suppose you did own him. Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don’t, do you? And neither does he. You’re turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can’t value you more than you value yourself."
- Toni Morrison (via heyfranhey)

(Source: farewell-kingdom, via heyfranhey)

love lose grief falling out of love self love self loathing

I’m back!!

I’ve been hiding away my thoughts for quite some time. But now I am at peace with how I feel…at least I am today. My humanity is every present with me in my walk with Christ and I am so thankful for His understanding and tolerance…it puts  a whole new meaning to His grace and mercy. I sho nuf need it!

I have been thinking a lot about my struggles as a single women at 29. A lot of this comes from spending so much of my youth dreaming and planning for marriage (even saving myself) and then to find myself still single, it is hard for me to move beyond today. Beyond right now, my life makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. At 29 I wanted to be married 4 years ago, building my home and savings account to prepare for our first child 1 year ago and by now I’d be a stay at home mom. Hahaha! There are things about that plan that I am glad didn’t come true. After all I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and there is no way to know but I doubt that would have happened had I married at 25. 

Still I feel lost and my life has little purpose. This is where everyone comes in and says “that’s not true, you are God’s child, and blah blah blah” or “how could you feel that way??” blah blah blah…. Okay well let me explain what I mean by little purpose. I mean that the purpose of my life is the same that it has been for the past 29 years…I am a daughter, a sister, and I enjoy helping others. I’ve been doing that all my life. Those things are still important but they don’t have the same meaning they once had.

According Genesis 2:24

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his motherand shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
…and go and multiple the earth and build a new home together to raise children that will one go and do the same (added by yours truly).
To me this means that as human beings we are meant to grow and evolve from our original foundation or state of being. Our lives are not meant to stagnate. Just like in school for example, I started off with a High School diploma, then I got my Bachelors in Social Work, then my Master’s in Social Work, and then honed my skills under supervision for 3 years and then passed a licensing exam to become a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. There is progression which keeps my career flowing with purpose and more responsibility which makes me a better professional and better able to help people: my original hearts desire. That’s the way life goes and without this flow there is stagnation and stagnation leads to infertility and infertility leads to death.
SO PLEASE, spare me all the judgmental remarks. All the whys and whens and hows and whats about my feelings and my faith. Its annoying when people attempt to minimize and demonize marriage to make single people “feel better” about being single. Or tell you some horrible story about some chick they knew that didn’t get married until she was Forty-wow…stop. Negative. Not helping, thanks.
I’ve watched my parents who have been married since before I was born have a successful marriage with all its challenges so I know that marriage is not easy, I know it won’t always be fun, I know I can’t rely on my husband for happiness but I wish people would understand that all that doesn’t negate or change the fact that without a spouse my future looks like another bad Resident Evil movie. No, seriously. Like Jesus, please have mercy on my soul if they come out with another one.
I hope I am making sense, because letting all this out is helping me and I pray that it is helping someone else. Because I seriously believe that most married Christian leaders have no idea how to help their singles, they don’t know what to say and that’s why they say fluffy stupid stuff that sounds good and helps for about 2 weeks. Christian leaders do a great job selling the whole save yourself for your husband business to young people 21 and under. I can include myself in this because I do it too (that’s what Virtuous Daughters is partially about!) because it true and the evidence of bad relationships is all around teenagers. The results of unprotected sex is apparent too. They see it, they know its bad. But what about once the pressure to have sex for fun is gone and is now replaced with these same promiscuous classmates of yours are now settled down and married with child number 2 on the way and your holy-than-thou self hasn’t even walked down the aisle much less found a prospect yet. What about when all around you are married women and those who are younger than you and married and talking about when they want to start having kids and you would  like to have at least 3 of your own and time is ticking…if you don’t know what that feels like…well it sucks like hell.
Oh and by the way I don’t want sympathy, I just want RESPECT. I love God and I want to honor Him with my life choices because I believe that He has plan for me but this ain’t easy…we all have our battles, cancer, loss, etc. but for some reason being young, saved and single is not getting the respect it deserves…this ain’t easy people…

saved and single devotionals respect love overcome